Found this old poem i wrote about a year after I moved to Utah... needed something to post today but didn't have the time to type much. So when all else fails, copy + paste! Here goes...
She was independent and strong,
Real, and Inspiring.
She was Optimistic and Outspoken,
Free, and Open Minded.
She was here.
Now, she's gone
What did she do to make her surrender, then disappear?
Although shes's gone I can still feel her here... she's dying,
which brings me to tears.... I can't stop crying.
She's now a lost soul,
Like they used to say, when she was more vocal and set in her ways.
At times I feel her presence watching over me.
Hoping for me to escape, so that I can be free.
Free of this depression
Free of this obsession that I have with her,
So that I can be me, and she can be her.
She hurts to see me this way,
As she watches me desperately think of her day after day.
I had no prediction that I would feel such agony.
Wanting so bad to escape from this prison I built myself.
Full of sadness, desperation and hate.
I hear her tell me there's a solution,
That this is just part of my evolution.
That peace will come,
And one day I'll feel just at home.
Inspiring...
Exciting... are those words to my ears
But just like that,
I don't know who she is because we can no longer intertwine
Because....
Because she's missing.
I'm missing.....
Who is she? Who is she?
I'm not her, but she....
she was me.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Ask and You Shall Receive...
Apparently my previous blog has caused stir in some people's lives so this blog serves a few purposes.
Firstly, I would like to apologize to the people that I have met at Iglesia de Dios: Un Nuevo Amanecer con Cristo that have been loyal to God and have shown God's love and mercy upon me. There has been more love shown by many members of this church and more good memories than the bad ones that I have mentioned. These good and loving people have given me hope that there are people that can be loved and that truly accept others for who they are. Not necessarily like the things they do, but accept them without judging. By no means was I trying to put them all into the category of negative things that I have seen there. To clarify, I was just sharing my thoughts about the experiences that I had been through during a specific time frame. I was sharing my view of what I had seen and experienced and how it had affected me.
Secondly, I would like to apologize to those who have misunderstood my intentions and have been offended by my post. It would be ignorant for me to say that my views and opinions are right. Because I have been misunderstood on several occasions, it is highly possible that I myself have misunderstood the actions of the people that I spoke of in my previous blog. So, if i have done so, I apologize. Whether you love me or not, I am asking for your forgiveness.
If I haven't made it clear enough, I would like to reiterate that the purpose of this post is to apologize to those that have been loyal to God, that love me unconditionally, those who don't love me, and have been offended by my previous post, or anything that I have ever done or said, I am sorry.
From writing these posts I have learned that I can misunderstand others just as they misunderstand me. I have also learned that some people cannot handle what I or others say. Therefore, if there is a chance that what I would like to talk about can be offensive to others, I will either keep it to myself or speak to those who really know me and would know my intentions. If you want my opinion, just ask. I will give it to you.
Part of growing into the bigger and better person that I want to be is to humble myself and ask for forgiveness. I have done so. If it's not received from those I asked, it's okay; regardless, I know that my God will forgive me because he knows my heart like no one else does.
I'm glad, though, that I have done the things that I've done, whether they are right or wrong. Because without these actions, I wouldn't have anything to learn from. I've acted, I've corrected, and now I'm moving on.
Firstly, I would like to apologize to the people that I have met at Iglesia de Dios: Un Nuevo Amanecer con Cristo that have been loyal to God and have shown God's love and mercy upon me. There has been more love shown by many members of this church and more good memories than the bad ones that I have mentioned. These good and loving people have given me hope that there are people that can be loved and that truly accept others for who they are. Not necessarily like the things they do, but accept them without judging. By no means was I trying to put them all into the category of negative things that I have seen there. To clarify, I was just sharing my thoughts about the experiences that I had been through during a specific time frame. I was sharing my view of what I had seen and experienced and how it had affected me.
Secondly, I would like to apologize to those who have misunderstood my intentions and have been offended by my post. It would be ignorant for me to say that my views and opinions are right. Because I have been misunderstood on several occasions, it is highly possible that I myself have misunderstood the actions of the people that I spoke of in my previous blog. So, if i have done so, I apologize. Whether you love me or not, I am asking for your forgiveness.
If I haven't made it clear enough, I would like to reiterate that the purpose of this post is to apologize to those that have been loyal to God, that love me unconditionally, those who don't love me, and have been offended by my previous post, or anything that I have ever done or said, I am sorry.
From writing these posts I have learned that I can misunderstand others just as they misunderstand me. I have also learned that some people cannot handle what I or others say. Therefore, if there is a chance that what I would like to talk about can be offensive to others, I will either keep it to myself or speak to those who really know me and would know my intentions. If you want my opinion, just ask. I will give it to you.
Part of growing into the bigger and better person that I want to be is to humble myself and ask for forgiveness. I have done so. If it's not received from those I asked, it's okay; regardless, I know that my God will forgive me because he knows my heart like no one else does.
I'm glad, though, that I have done the things that I've done, whether they are right or wrong. Because without these actions, I wouldn't have anything to learn from. I've acted, I've corrected, and now I'm moving on.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Practice What YOU Preach
I was not able to sleep so what better way to help me go to sleep than blog about what's on my mind.
This is something that has been on my mind for years, beginning in 1999 since I moved to Lawton, Oklahoma and started attending Iglesia de Dios: Un Nuevo Amanecer con Cristo. It's a Spanish church in case you haven't figured it out.
For those of you who do not know, I was raised in the church by my parents since, well forever. Growing up, I always knew that having brothers and sisters in Christ meant that I would ALWAYS receive unconditional love from every one of them... that is until friggin Lawton USA burst my happy Christian bubble.
I will never understand why people that are supposed to be "right with God" are so hypocritical and rude when they spread the Word of God to others. I see this on facebook ALL THE TIME!!! I don't know where you get off thinking that spreading the Word of God means riding on your high horse and speaking with a great deal of sarcasm. Guess what buddy.... WRONG! First of all, ANYONE can take a verse out of the bible and type it in their status. It's really not that hard. I mean, you don't even have to be a true Christian to pull that one off. And in case you forgot, God is forgiveness. And true, God is to be feared. But above all things, God is love. It is not up to us to judge others as we are ALL his children. No matter what condition our relationship is in with Him.
I'm always the first to admit that my relationship with God isn't how it should be. For years, I have been walking on a rocky road on my way to God. But one thing I do know is that God has been walking with me EVERY step of the way. I am a firm believer in the idea that God does not allow you more than what you can handle AND that everything that happens in my life is part of what God's plan is for me. Including this rocky road I am on and the tests that he gives me that I utterly fail. I believe that these certain experiences that I go through, that you and other Christians look down upon, occur so that I will have more to testify about later. By no means am I justifying my actions; solely stating my beliefs.
I won't lie. Because of all of the judging by envious girls and adults that was cast upon me in going to Iglesia de Dios: Un Nuevo Amenecer con Cristo from 1999-2002, I have strayed away from God. (I'm sure I got judged for longer than that period of time... I just stopped caring.) I even began to doubt Him because I just could not understand how people could be so cruel. I humbled myself countless amount of times by asking these girls for forgiveness for things that I hadn't done. Because as a Christian you are supposed to "turn the other cheek." But they kept slapping my cheeks and scratching at them until they became raw. It got ugly... I mean it got REAL UGLY. And they say that God don't like ugly, but you wouldn't know it by going to this church. From the dirty looks from these chicks and their relatives I received and the slander they spoke against me to several acts of adultery (some that I was witness to) to false prophecy; it was all bad. Sadly, I feel more love and loyalty from my friends outside of the church than those that I've made in the church.
These things spoiled my view of what living life as a devout Christian was and made me wonder if it was even worth it. I thought, "Is God real? Is there really a light at the end of the tunnel? Will all this work and the sacrifices I need to make to get to a place called heaven worth it if heaven doesn't exist? Does heaven exist? Can I trust any of these people? Are ANY of them genuine?" I do believe that all of these things are. I also believe that some, most of these people, can NOT be trusted. My trust is to be put in God. Trust no man, or woman for that matter!
As I said before, all the things that occur in my life and that I have seen, have happened for a reason. All of these things have made me become the person I am today. I am stronger. I am wiser. I am God-fearing and not people-fearing. I am outspoken, observant, clumsy with words, loyal, loud, loving to those who truly accept me, and honest with all of the people in my life that I have respect for. Even if it hurts for me to be, I am honest. Back then I was, believe it or not, shy, blindly loving, careful, humble, introverted, quiet, and scared. Let me tell you, my life at this church was boot camp preparing me for what life would be like for real, even though my life at that church sucked 100 times more than it ever has.
I've learned that some people change. I've also learned that some people, particularly hypocrites and self-righteous people, don't. One thing I always have been is God-fearing. One thing I have not been is a hypocrite. I NEVER stood up at God's Holy altar, to preach, sing, praise Him or testify when I knew I wasn't doing right. I would not DARE stain his altar with my sin. But there are so many that do it day in and day out without even blinking. It's so easy for them to put on this front like they're angels, but they're not. You obviously don't fear or respect God because if you did, you wouldn't dare do it. I've also learned that it's not about attending church, but about my understanding of God, the wisdom I gain through his word, and my personal relationship with Him. I know I curse, I know I drink, I'm not as humble as I should be, and yes, I am a sinner. But God loves me. He may not love the things that I do, but He loves ME. And I may not be working on my relationship with God like you would like me to, but it's not up to you. I'm working on it at my own pace.
I'm writing about this because I do believe in God and that He will return and that someday the rapture will occur. I know that some people intend to spread the word of God, but from the target that's supposed to be receiving your words, know that speaking with much snottiness and sarcasm is not going to bring people to the light. It's going to encourage them to turn away from it.
I've got a cure for those of you that are so full of yourselves while you're spreading God's word. You want to start by getting off of your high horse, proceeding to pull the bible out of your butt, and taking a couple shots of humility with a side of love. Then you can speak of God and His word with pride.
* This is not to discredit my many facebook friends who do spread the word of God in a loving and genuine manner. You know who you are and you should be proud of yourselves. I know I am proud of you. I would like to thank you for truly caring and being genuine.
** If you're offended by this post, then there's a 99.9999999% chance that you're the hypocrite I'm talking about.
This is something that has been on my mind for years, beginning in 1999 since I moved to Lawton, Oklahoma and started attending Iglesia de Dios: Un Nuevo Amanecer con Cristo. It's a Spanish church in case you haven't figured it out.
For those of you who do not know, I was raised in the church by my parents since, well forever. Growing up, I always knew that having brothers and sisters in Christ meant that I would ALWAYS receive unconditional love from every one of them... that is until friggin Lawton USA burst my happy Christian bubble.
I will never understand why people that are supposed to be "right with God" are so hypocritical and rude when they spread the Word of God to others. I see this on facebook ALL THE TIME!!! I don't know where you get off thinking that spreading the Word of God means riding on your high horse and speaking with a great deal of sarcasm. Guess what buddy.... WRONG! First of all, ANYONE can take a verse out of the bible and type it in their status. It's really not that hard. I mean, you don't even have to be a true Christian to pull that one off. And in case you forgot, God is forgiveness. And true, God is to be feared. But above all things, God is love. It is not up to us to judge others as we are ALL his children. No matter what condition our relationship is in with Him.
I'm always the first to admit that my relationship with God isn't how it should be. For years, I have been walking on a rocky road on my way to God. But one thing I do know is that God has been walking with me EVERY step of the way. I am a firm believer in the idea that God does not allow you more than what you can handle AND that everything that happens in my life is part of what God's plan is for me. Including this rocky road I am on and the tests that he gives me that I utterly fail. I believe that these certain experiences that I go through, that you and other Christians look down upon, occur so that I will have more to testify about later. By no means am I justifying my actions; solely stating my beliefs.
I won't lie. Because of all of the judging by envious girls and adults that was cast upon me in going to Iglesia de Dios: Un Nuevo Amenecer con Cristo from 1999-2002, I have strayed away from God. (I'm sure I got judged for longer than that period of time... I just stopped caring.) I even began to doubt Him because I just could not understand how people could be so cruel. I humbled myself countless amount of times by asking these girls for forgiveness for things that I hadn't done. Because as a Christian you are supposed to "turn the other cheek." But they kept slapping my cheeks and scratching at them until they became raw. It got ugly... I mean it got REAL UGLY. And they say that God don't like ugly, but you wouldn't know it by going to this church. From the dirty looks from these chicks and their relatives I received and the slander they spoke against me to several acts of adultery (some that I was witness to) to false prophecy; it was all bad. Sadly, I feel more love and loyalty from my friends outside of the church than those that I've made in the church.
These things spoiled my view of what living life as a devout Christian was and made me wonder if it was even worth it. I thought, "Is God real? Is there really a light at the end of the tunnel? Will all this work and the sacrifices I need to make to get to a place called heaven worth it if heaven doesn't exist? Does heaven exist? Can I trust any of these people? Are ANY of them genuine?" I do believe that all of these things are. I also believe that some, most of these people, can NOT be trusted. My trust is to be put in God. Trust no man, or woman for that matter!
As I said before, all the things that occur in my life and that I have seen, have happened for a reason. All of these things have made me become the person I am today. I am stronger. I am wiser. I am God-fearing and not people-fearing. I am outspoken, observant, clumsy with words, loyal, loud, loving to those who truly accept me, and honest with all of the people in my life that I have respect for. Even if it hurts for me to be, I am honest. Back then I was, believe it or not, shy, blindly loving, careful, humble, introverted, quiet, and scared. Let me tell you, my life at this church was boot camp preparing me for what life would be like for real, even though my life at that church sucked 100 times more than it ever has.
I've learned that some people change. I've also learned that some people, particularly hypocrites and self-righteous people, don't. One thing I always have been is God-fearing. One thing I have not been is a hypocrite. I NEVER stood up at God's Holy altar, to preach, sing, praise Him or testify when I knew I wasn't doing right. I would not DARE stain his altar with my sin. But there are so many that do it day in and day out without even blinking. It's so easy for them to put on this front like they're angels, but they're not. You obviously don't fear or respect God because if you did, you wouldn't dare do it. I've also learned that it's not about attending church, but about my understanding of God, the wisdom I gain through his word, and my personal relationship with Him. I know I curse, I know I drink, I'm not as humble as I should be, and yes, I am a sinner. But God loves me. He may not love the things that I do, but He loves ME. And I may not be working on my relationship with God like you would like me to, but it's not up to you. I'm working on it at my own pace.
I'm writing about this because I do believe in God and that He will return and that someday the rapture will occur. I know that some people intend to spread the word of God, but from the target that's supposed to be receiving your words, know that speaking with much snottiness and sarcasm is not going to bring people to the light. It's going to encourage them to turn away from it.
I've got a cure for those of you that are so full of yourselves while you're spreading God's word. You want to start by getting off of your high horse, proceeding to pull the bible out of your butt, and taking a couple shots of humility with a side of love. Then you can speak of God and His word with pride.
* This is not to discredit my many facebook friends who do spread the word of God in a loving and genuine manner. You know who you are and you should be proud of yourselves. I know I am proud of you. I would like to thank you for truly caring and being genuine.
** If you're offended by this post, then there's a 99.9999999% chance that you're the hypocrite I'm talking about.
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